Dinner with old friends

Dinner with the old friends was, a bit weird. 

This was a couple I had known for a very long time.  People who really have done all the right things by the standards of our culture and live a comfortable life.  I've always looked up to them.  So here we were breaking bread together for the first time in several years.  I thought it would be warm and comfortable like a well worn leather reading chair.

Nope.

Felt disjointed and strange. My not drinking was immediately picked upon which is notable in and of itself right?  I mean what normal person would care about the beverage I was ordering from the waitress?  It was awkward  and the couple, they had wildly different reactions.  I got the sense this was a long simmering disagreement and the reaction was really part of an ongoing dialog between the two of them.  They did not order another round of martinis like I'm sure they would have normally.  So that's the footing things got off on.


They live down the street from my ex-wife and gave me some bad news. Sad to hear some of that, but she never was one to be reasonable nor learn from her mistakes.  An ex is an ex for a reason they say, and this is true, but that doesn't preclude wishing the best for them.


The conversation mostly settled on how various people I'm no longer in contact are doing, what was the story with the split from the girlfriend, things like that.  so it was mostly about how other people were doing.


It ended up being a short dinner.

I walked away not really having a good feeling, and having negative thoughts about my sense of self.  I didn't like that.

This is the central issue as far as I'm concerned:  Redefining oneself.  How much of the past does one retain?

One of the things I run into repeatedly is people having a definition of who and what I am, reflecting that at me, sometimes *even trying to convince me* and it's feels weird.  I'm *not* the person they think I am.  Maybe never was.  Experiencing people's perception of me is not unlike walking around in a room full of funhouse mirrors.  Everything is distorted.  This is what someone said to me recently:  

"giving up old friends can be liberating, because as you are redefining yourself the old clay is sometimes contaminated by the view that others have of you, had of you, preconceive of you. I guess what I mean is that getting rid of the old clay can sometimes include some people with it."

It feels like a lot of the time people operate from a space of projecting memories and experiences on to everything, almost as if the present reality doesn't even exist.

So I'm not sure where it's going.  Not going to abandon everything and walk the earth like Caine from Kung Fu, at least it doesn't feel like I'm heading in that direction.  But I'm becoming weary and leery of people who want to define to me who and what I am, either passively or actively.  And that means some spring cleaning may be in order.