Summary of the last year:
- Saved money
- Stayed in shape
- Worked my ass off
- Started studying for the CCIE security lab
- Bought a super bitchen totally awesome road bike :)
This has been a pretty calm year. It's not that my overall effort level or amount of striving towards my goals has lessened. I think it's just an in-between year. Some things got done, new things got started and I'm just going about my business. Settled into a routine that works for me, and I'm living my life.
I don't feel nagged by self doubt or anxiety as much as I used to be. There's a lot to be said for developing trust in yourself. It has to be organic though; it's not something that comes from positive affirmations that aren't backed by anything.. It has to come from making commitments and following through on them. Every time you say you're going to do something and then you don't it weakens you internally. On the other hand following through (no matter what) strengthens you.
Significant outgrowth of that: As I've gained trust in myself, I've found that I'm able to at least somewhat discern trustworthiness in others. Even more interesting is when you kinda clump together to work on a project or something like that. When you are part of a group where everyone is striving towards a common end and they trust each other it's immensely powerful. I feel like I've been able to tap into that, and it's something I want to explore more. It's such a tremendously powerful thing, can't be understated.
To put this in some context, trusting people is scary as fuck for someone with lifelong trust issues. When you have them, there's typically a reason, and you can't wave those reasons aside and pretend they don't exist. I guess that seems to be the ground now, the growth area.
Ok, about drinking and the quit.
I cannot recall what it feels like to have a strong compulsion to drink. It's just gone. I have drinking thoughts, but they're like if you see a bunch of ads for shrimp, then you think 'gosh I sure would like a plate of shrimp'. It's just a result of being around messaging and advertisements and stuff. Kinda funny.
What's interesting though, I very much note when people say they're gonna do things, then I see them posting pictures of themselves partying on social media, and surprise surprise, 'something came up' or 'came down with a cold', and they end up not doing what they said they were gonna do.
Seems like a small thing right? It's not. I use it as a reminder that even if the fantasy of controlled drinking was somehow magically possible for me, would I want the baggage that comes with it? Are the struggles that are part and parcel of life not enough as is?
The answer is self evident at 5:30am when I pedal down the road on my bike, look out at the lighthouse and crescent moon, and the ocean glowing in the pre-dawn light. I feel my heart coming to life as I feed power into the pedals, looking forward to the day's adventures ahead.
May you care for yourself with ease.
-s
